Just Another Day at the Naming Factory

Demoted. Again. Once, I was the king of product naming, the Necromancer of Nomenclature (and, yes, I did come up with that one on my own. I know.). But now is the twilight of my greatness. My star dims. One more "Sleep Cheap" fiasco could darken it for good.

I thought I understood the sweet science of product naming; I dazzled my professors in "Fun Rhymes 350", cracked the curve on my "Alliteration Always" exam, but, lo, here I sit with the dummies in Household Appliances. Where is the poetry in adding "-matic" to the end of everything? What ho the lyricism in random strings of numbers? An Insider Tip for you, compassionate listener: the only difference in the CoffeeMan3500 and 4500 is the price. Do not tell your coldhearted friends. They care only for what comes out of these machines - not what goes into them. 

WALMART understands

Hey! Know what's really hard? Harder than putting your pants on one leg at a time? Harder than crushing a beer can on your head? Way harder than Loving America, even when the Lib'rals are in charge?

Buying stuff. That is HARD. And buying stuff for someone you know? On, like, a special day or something? Goldang that's hard!

Sometimes, even when I don't have to think about other people or what they might like, I just spend hours wandering around the WalMart NOT BUYING ANYTHING. They have so much stuff there! How is a simple guy like me supposed to decide whether I need a new rifle or a big-screen TV? And that's just for ME. For funsies, like, on a Tuesday morning when I'm calling in sick to work.

For my wife? For a reason? I don't even know when the VALENTIMES Day is. I don't know what it is, and I don't know why we have it. But I know I have to buy my wife something for it if I want her to let me watch my NASCAR in peace.

And look, I don't pretend to know much about women, either. In fact, I might know less about them than I do about SANTO VALENTINO or whoever. But I do know that they like PINK and they like BOWS and luckily for me, those seem to be what VALENCIA DAY is all about.

Now, I know WALMART has that pink and bows stuff somewhere, but if I have to walk around the whole store looking, I might just black out and end up buying an 80 gallon aquarium and a lawnmower! I can't be trusted to search the whole darn place for something a lady might like!

If only shopping at WALMART could be simplified. If only they could make a giant room full of things that are pink and covered in hearts and with big signs that say VALENTINE! HERE! Then I could just run in and grab something without having to think about it at all.

Monologue for Chase Utley, Phillies Second baseman

players: 1 man, athletic build, 20-30 years old, strongly resembling a billygoat.

scene: It's the bottom of the 3rd inning. Utley, the young hero of this tale, races to catch a ground ball that speeds past him. He stumbles. His muscle-bound hulk twists to the ground, kicking up a spray of dust.

UTLEY: grrrrarrrr.

He has just failed epically. The ball piffles past him, allowing a base hit for the Phillies' arch nemeses, the New York Mets.

UTLEY: Stupid. Stupid Utley. That's another night of being chained in the dugout for you.

The crowd, composed largely of Mets fans, cheers maniacally.

UTLEY: Is it cool if I scratch my groin right now? It always helps me feel better.

His hand inches towards his groin. The TV cameras zoom in.

UTLEY: Yesyesyesyes...NO. They're watching. Reveling in my failure. Oh, they'll pay for this torture.

...

UTLEY: How about now? What do you mean they're still watching? They cannot long separate Utley from his ultimate bliss!

First base guy gives him a warning look, as if pleading with the headstrong lad, "Boy, don't embarrass us here."

UTLEY: Look, I don't give a damn how long they were watching the Coors Light Extra Cold Freeze Frame Awesomachine -- they need to take those cameras off of me because I have a NEED right now.

And when did they stop calling it "Instant Replay?"

A short and boring strike-out. The cameras return to Utley -- the beacon of drama.

UTLEY: Yessss...satisfact -- what? Really? That's it -- you, shortstop, create a diversion; awesomeness, stupidity, I don't care how you distract them. I have things to do.

[Insert wholly inappropriate "I have a ball game to play" joke here.]