OMG My Mom

My mom reads my blog (that's why it's always so squeaky-clean and full of happiness and flowers). Whenever you see comments that are from "anonymous," and that end in "love you! - mom," those are from her.

I'd like to give my mom a shout-out today for not only reading and commenting on my blog, but for greatly enhancing its content. She is the astute commenter, dear readers, who pointed out that the picture I shared with you in my last post was (maybe) of Ringo Starr's violinist. This put my mind at ease for a number of reasons, mainly 1) It explained why the first three pages of Google Image search for "sexy violinist" were populated with this woman's picture (she's quasi-Beatles-related! Of course she comes first!) 2) Let's just say I have some theories about Ringo Starr, international espionage and Julia Child, which are confirmed by the presence of hot Asian violinist.

Not only has my mom (maybe) solved the mystery of the Asian violinist, but she has solved the Greatest Mystery OF ALL TIME: Who was that flamboyant fiddler of fiery (f)passions that I saw on the TeeVee?

Yes. My mom watched, and waited, and finally, one fateful (f)Tuesday evening, she saw the commercial for herself. Then, like a good mom, she texted me while I was in class:

From: Mom
Violinist is david garret! I just saw the commercial.

Me: hahahahaha

I took my mom's word for it, and did not try to actually look him up, to match glorious face to name, until this second.

He is real!




He is also German and sort of goofy and endearing (I watched A LOT of YouTube videos to get one that captured the essence of that first commercial. The things I do for you people!), so I feel a little bad about mocking his "Sexy Violins!" schtick. But not too bad. If his handlers really wanted to impress me, they would play up the "stuttering man-boy" part of his persona - that's way more impressive for a VIOLIN VIRTUOSO (TM) to be borne of.

I made this!

This is what I do in grad school.

The one person you do not want as your opponent in a deadly manhunt

I've thought about this a lot over the years. Some celebrities you really believe you could take on, were you forced to play The Deadliest Game: Larry King, Bob Dylan, most comedians, the Pope, etc. I think I even stand a fighting chance against a few professional athletes, like gymnasts (they're tiny!) and golfers. 

Venus Williams, though, is not a person with whom I would willingly engage in hand-to-hand combat to the death. And neither would you, for the following reasons:

1) She is enormous. The woman is 6'1". If I stood on my dad's shoulders, we might make it to that altitude, but then Venus might be entitled to have Serena on her shoulders to make it fair, and we would still certainly die.

2) She is stunningly fast. Her legs are approximately 6 feet long (see "enormous," above). Her hunting me down would be like a greyhound chasing a corgi. 

3) She has stamina. I might try to run from her, and she might even give me a head start, but I would get tired within a mile. Venus Williams could hunt you day and night without rest. She would run alongside your getaway train, if you managed to snag one, until it stopped the next town over, and then she would get you.

4) She makes terrifying noises. It's one thing to be running through the woods with a giant, muscle-bound, physically superior opponent on your tail. It's another when said opponent is making noises you've only ever heard on Jurassic Fight Club before. As Gerard put it, being on the other side of the net (or ahead of her in the final run of your life), must feel like being a fish and hearing the shriek of an Osprey overhead. It is the sound of something better than you come to put you out of your misery.