Meeting My Needs

There are many things in this life that I truly, desperately need: liquid assets, a place to live, a magical portkey to the world of Harry Potter (minus that trollop Ginny Weasley). These things are serious, and I will not live happily without them.

There are other things, though, that I can admit to not needing. In fact, I would go so far as to say the world does not need them. One of these things is legs that smell like "Strawberry Tangerine Twist."


Yes, I own this. And no, thank God no, my bottle of it does not have a sparkly, lumpy popsicle-thingy (or sea creature?) on it. It has sparkly strawberries - it's new and improved.

But really, world, when and why did we decide, "You know what's too simple? Showering. There are not enough scented things and definitely not enough sparkles in America's showers. Let's jazz that situation up!"

Between the "coconut" in my shower gel, the peppermint in my shampoo and this, all my shower needs is some hard liquor to start a tiki bar with all the mixers. I guess that's where the "twist" comes in.

Please, world, if you love me at all, stop dumping hours of research and millions of dollars into shavescent technology. Let's focus on things we need - like a house for me. It won't smell like My Little Pony, but it will probably be cheaper, and it will get me out of your hair. Especially if it has a portkey.

Maybe I'll get ads about ads now

Dude, Google AdWords is so lame. I added it to my blog thinking, hoping, praying against every sense of rationality, decency and pride that I could make a bit of extra cash off of it. 

I don't really know why I thought it would work -- my friends are too smart to fall for banner ads (They're also too smart to get sucked into reading whatever swill I'm jotting down here every week. Damn my awesome taste in people.), and I don't think my parents trust the Internets enough to click anything.

Even if my friends and parents were the sort of mythical, click-happy, Web-trolling consumers that all these ads are made for (and who are those people? Do they really exist? I imagine they're all in some godforsaken place, like Arkansas, trapped in a 1960s fallout shelter, and the only way for them to understand the present day is to mash any Internet button they can...I don't know why the bunker has Web access.), what in the world would make Google think that my friends would want the particular ads they have chosen?

Am imagined scene in the life of "Jolly" John Bavoso: 

"La la la, I'm just reading Lauren's blog. Man, I am such a good friend to plow through this every week. Oh, look, she's angry about something again...

"OoooooooOO - why, yes! I DO want an Eliot [redacted to keep the ad from reappearing] ringtone!"

What in the name of ham sandwich is a [redacted] ringtone? Does it play high-class stripper music? Does it only sound when your pimp is calling? Is it legal in the state of New York?

I demand answers, Google! Drag out your giant brain machine and make it speak to me!

If the G-team were really all that smart they would have ads for free beer and ice cream -- those are the things that appeal to the type of people who read this blog. Or maybe an ad for funny things - "Hey People! Tired of the soul-crushing disappointment that comes from reading thelaurenbell every week? Come read funny things here!" 

As it is, I'm not expecting a cheque for my AdWords contributions any time soon. . . unless you're all secretly huge fans of Abigail Adams (really, Google? Can we get at least get this shiz updated at some point? I was angry at John Adams, like, two weeks ago).