WALMART understands

Hey! Know what's really hard? Harder than putting your pants on one leg at a time? Harder than crushing a beer can on your head? Way harder than Loving America, even when the Lib'rals are in charge?

Buying stuff. That is HARD. And buying stuff for someone you know? On, like, a special day or something? Goldang that's hard!

Sometimes, even when I don't have to think about other people or what they might like, I just spend hours wandering around the WalMart NOT BUYING ANYTHING. They have so much stuff there! How is a simple guy like me supposed to decide whether I need a new rifle or a big-screen TV? And that's just for ME. For funsies, like, on a Tuesday morning when I'm calling in sick to work.

For my wife? For a reason? I don't even know when the VALENTIMES Day is. I don't know what it is, and I don't know why we have it. But I know I have to buy my wife something for it if I want her to let me watch my NASCAR in peace.

And look, I don't pretend to know much about women, either. In fact, I might know less about them than I do about SANTO VALENTINO or whoever. But I do know that they like PINK and they like BOWS and luckily for me, those seem to be what VALENCIA DAY is all about.

Now, I know WALMART has that pink and bows stuff somewhere, but if I have to walk around the whole store looking, I might just black out and end up buying an 80 gallon aquarium and a lawnmower! I can't be trusted to search the whole darn place for something a lady might like!

If only shopping at WALMART could be simplified. If only they could make a giant room full of things that are pink and covered in hearts and with big signs that say VALENTINE! HERE! Then I could just run in and grab something without having to think about it at all.