Fun with press releases

I got this press release today:

FINANCIAL TIMES ANNOUNCES APPOINTMENT OF GREG ZORTHIAN AS PRESIDENT OF THE AMERICAS

(And yes, it really was in that gigantic, awesomely important font. [!!!])

Dear PR people,
Do not scare me like that. For one, your font is shocking and uncalled for -- the sort of thing we reserve for EVERYONE IS DEAD, or CHEERIOS ARE DELICIOUS or similar, truly groundbreaking, headlines.

In your case, this wanton hyperbolicizing of a typed phrase is only appropriate if Mr. Zorthian has, indeed, taken his oath of office as ruling President of the Americas, thus trumping the combined powers of Barack Obama, the brothers Castro, Hugo Chavez and whoever stops ice skating and eating ham long enough to say he is in charge of Canada.

[aside to readers only: I totally had to use the power of the Internets to make sure Hugo Chavez was still a Latin American leader. It's hard to take someone else to task when you are stupid.]

If, PR People, Mr. Zorthian has been declared president of this general hemisphere, I will need a little more information. Please do not spend the rest of the release rambling on about his work history with the FT. Tell me the FACTS:

When can I expect humble little New York to be visited by our great new overlord? Is he benevolent? Is this all part of a nefarious alien scheme to appoint one of their own to Earhtly power? (Aliens love the letter Z, trust me.)

In conclusion: I hate press releases, but not as much as I hate aliens.

Why I love my bf

(Watching a preview for Milk)

BF: Okay, so I know he's supposed to be gay, but is Harvey Milk also retarded?
Me: Um...what?
BF: I mean, is he like, autistic or something? Why does he look like that?
Me: ...
BF: His face! Why is it like that!?
Me: Honey, I think that's just Sean Penn. That's what he looks like.
BF: No. That can't be. He's acting, right?
Me: No, that's just his normal face.
BF: Oh.

A complete inventory of my foodstuffs

- 3/4 cup of dry roasted mixed nuts
- 1/2 gallon orange juice
- month-old pancetta
- 5 lb. bag sour patch kids

I think this is funny.

And, until I figure out how to concoct a magical elixir from the above ingredients, that's all you get for today's funny. thelaurenbell has the plague, and the pressure upon her sinuses is actually pressing her nose back into her brain, killing the center of witty thought that lies precisely in that area of her noggin. huge problem. we're having all the world's leading experts look into it and hope to be up and running tomorrow -- or at least have a more exciting excuse for not writing, like land-roving future-shark invasions.

Your attention please

It has been brought to my attention that Gears of War is not, in fact, a role-playing game (or "RPG" for you in the know).

This, the greatest video game known to man (is that the correct terminology any more? Or should I just skip to "greatest creation ever to grace mankind's heretofore sad, empty and ultimately pointless existence?"), is known as a "third person shooter." [I researched that! For you, reader!]

THIS IS AN IMPORTANT DISTINCTION!

If I'm in the mood for pummeling people or monsters or peoplemonsters in the face with bullets for hours on end, I don't want to get distracted by personal decision-making, questing or intricate storylines. I demand ALL bullet-face-pummeling ALL the time. I don't have time to mess around with other nonsense!

The Thespian

Oh, pardon me – I didn’t see you there.

What’s that? You feel like you’ve heard my voice somewhere? Why, thank you, yes, I’ve heard before that I have a very distinctive voice. Perhaps you’ve been to this bus stop before – I often carry on short, friendly conversations with my fellow passengers here, and you may have overheard. No?

Hmm...well, I didn’t want to say anything, but I have done a bit of voice acting in my time.

Oh yes, it is my great passion in life -- to give voice to those characters that have important things to impart to this world!

Yes, you’ll have heard me in some advertisements. Does, “Mmmm! How magnificently scrumptious!” ring a bell? That was a good one. And, of course, there was Disney's Hamlet meets Aladdin last Christmas. Every actor loves to play the Dane, you know! Haha. Ha. Yes.

No? Still not ringing any bells? Where have you heard my rich sonorous basso tones before?

Well, there was this one project I did -- a very special little endeavor that, I think, may have been the most important work of my career.

Yes, I was Wretch #3, Evil Sea Wraith and Exploding Kamikaze Monsters #47, 48 and 53 in the blockbuster role-playing game Gears of War. And I was damn good.