Fun with press releases

I got this press release today:

FINANCIAL TIMES ANNOUNCES APPOINTMENT OF GREG ZORTHIAN AS PRESIDENT OF THE AMERICAS

(And yes, it really was in that gigantic, awesomely important font. [!!!])

Dear PR people,
Do not scare me like that. For one, your font is shocking and uncalled for -- the sort of thing we reserve for EVERYONE IS DEAD, or CHEERIOS ARE DELICIOUS or similar, truly groundbreaking, headlines.

In your case, this wanton hyperbolicizing of a typed phrase is only appropriate if Mr. Zorthian has, indeed, taken his oath of office as ruling President of the Americas, thus trumping the combined powers of Barack Obama, the brothers Castro, Hugo Chavez and whoever stops ice skating and eating ham long enough to say he is in charge of Canada.

[aside to readers only: I totally had to use the power of the Internets to make sure Hugo Chavez was still a Latin American leader. It's hard to take someone else to task when you are stupid.]

If, PR People, Mr. Zorthian has been declared president of this general hemisphere, I will need a little more information. Please do not spend the rest of the release rambling on about his work history with the FT. Tell me the FACTS:

When can I expect humble little New York to be visited by our great new overlord? Is he benevolent? Is this all part of a nefarious alien scheme to appoint one of their own to Earhtly power? (Aliens love the letter Z, trust me.)

In conclusion: I hate press releases, but not as much as I hate aliens.