How I Amuse Myself at Work

An actual e-mail that I received at work:

Lauren,

25 years ago the quintessential homemaker was June Cleaver, but today it could very well be Bobby Flay—a fact that seems obvious in today’s gender blurred generation (check out your local grocer over the weekend: over 40% of its shoppers are men buying cooking or cleaning supplies).

So why aren’t household brands marketing to men? A special report in Adweek examines the issues and facts. Among the highlights:

· A A recent survey found men neck-and-neck with women in purchasing household items including cleaning products, home décor, child-care products and cooking utilities.

.......Wonkity wonkwonk blaghier sdkhaohf;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Don't worry readers! I wouldn't really make you read the whole thing! Instead, I'll break it down into bite-size bits of rancor (Ranc-os! Like a fun snack!), just for you:

"25 years ago the quintessential homemaker was June Cleaver, but today it could very well be Bobby Flay..."

Holy hell! Mentioning Bobby Flay in the very first sentence? Janice (I've decided that's the PR person's name), why would you do that to me? Personal biases aside, I don't think anyone EVER has thought, "Oh, Bobby Flay -- that's a freakin' great homemaker guy." Alton Brown, perhaps, but Grilly McSmug over there, I think not.

"today’s gender blurred generation"

Jan, I don't even know what this means.

"companies tend to eschew marketing to men"

I just wanted to point out here that Jan used the word "eschew." Someone's been using her SAT prep flashcards...

"testosterone appealing aspects: emphasizing size, power and length – even for vacuum cleaners or cooking utensils."

Heh. Phallic references. Fine, Jan, I'll forgive the Flay reference -- I'm kind of enjoying this.

"In a 2007 survey on relationships, participants rated 'sharing household chores' as a top priority for a healthy couple, with only 'faithfulness' and 'a happy sexual relationship' ranking above."

Annnnd I totally take that back. Not enjoyable. Are you kidding me, Jan? Priorities = 1) security, 2) orgasms and 3) only vacuuming half the time?

"The days of froufrou sheets and frilly pillowcases are gone..."

Hi. I'm a woman. I enjoy ruffly things, the color pink, and being repressed -- just like all you other lady people out there!

"Former New York Times media writer Andrew Adam Newman presents new data..."

And she ends it with a zinger. The Times? Seriously, Janice? Did you just build a little window into my brain, see everything I loathe and create a press release around it for your own amusement? We are done, Jan -- done.

This is how I treat my friends...

Jolly just got a real freelancing writer job offer. That's really great. Here is how I congratulated him (via gchat because i'm an incredible friend.):

me: jolly, 1) that's awesome, congrats!
2) would you call someone who had gotten their foot sliced off "depedicated?"
i can't think of anyone else to ask that wouldn't get freaked out

John: haha
um . . . i don't know if that's a real word, but that sounds like what it would be

me: awesome
that's a load off my mind

Lucky for me, nothing disturbs Jolly anymore, so instead of trying to talk more about his awesome new job, he sends me this:

depeditate

/dee-ped'*-tayt/ [by (faulty) analogy with "decapitate"]
Humorously, to cut off the feet of.  When one is using some
computer-aided typesetting tools, careless placement of text
blocks within a page or above a rule can result in chopped-off
letter descenders.  Such letters are said to have been
depeditated.

(I was so close to being a word genius! Blast!)

me: humorously, eh?

John: haha

i think it's more of a media term

me: like, omg, that girl was just depeditated...ha

John: but it does mean to have the feet cut off

by a roller coaster!

John: HI-LARIOUS!

me: i'm going to coney island tonight

Thus did I, your trusty blog heroine, deftly turn the conversation away from my friend's great achievements (Bo-ring!) and towards an in-depth discussion of a Christopher Pike book that showed young and impressionable thelaurenbell all the horrible ways I could die at Coney Island.

That's what friends are for.

*(per Jolly's lightning-fast comment): I also made him read a lengthy description of a funhouse statue that is both projectile vomiting and suffering from explosive diarrhea. Really the only proper mental image to have when considering a job offer.

Hating...Foiled!

For MONTHS I have been mentally preparing a post concerning the inferiority of Post brand cereals -- how their Raisin Bran is but a poor cardboard imitation of the delicious raisinness and brandtasticocity that is Kellogg's; how their so-called "shredded wheat" (heh, creative name guys. real clever.) wants so badly to be Frosted Mini Wheats but is certainly not; how Fruity Pebbles are just...weird. Could they think of a less-appetizing shape for a cereal? It looks like the dandruff flakes of some horrible Red17/ascorbic acid monster. Blurgh.

Today, however, you, dear readers, were robbed of my masterpiece in the medium of derision.

Today, I experienced one of my top 18 breakfast cereal moments, and, though it pains me, I must credit Post for this breakthrough.

I was at the grocery store, getting my usual spaghetti sauce and beer (...), when I decided that I might also like some solid foods -- preferably of the breakfast variety. I went to the ceral aisle with a craving right on the tip of my tongue (where a food craving should be) for something sweet, but not too sweet. Good wet or dry. Not too small or too crumbly. It was a very complex craving.

In spite of my many many misgivings, I chose the latest offering from those chuckleheads over at Post: Shredded Wheat with Strawberries.

Dudes, I cannot even explain to you how delicious this stuff is. The taste may have been enhanced by the fact that I was hungry enough to consume a small donkey, but I think this stuff has got legs. Tiny, bite-size shredded wheat squares, fake white sugar coating stuff, actual freeze-dried strawberry bits...I mean, it's NO Cracklin' Oat Bran (greatest cereal of all time, hands down), but damn.

Of course, you can trust a world-class ruiner of breakfast like Post to keep such satisfying experiences at a minimum. When I looked at the site to check the name of the life-changing cereal (and then felt really stupid when 'that shredded wheat-y one with the strawberry bits' turned out to be 'Shredded Wheat with Strawberries'), I happened upon a mother lode of morning food atrocities that Post is unleashing on the world:

"Dino S'mores Pebbles:

Pebbles cereal introduces Dino S'mores Pebbles! Great s'mores flavor served up in fun Dinosaur Bone, Marshmallowy Boulder and Chocolatey Nugget shapes. Just like Cocoa and Fruity Pebbles, it's low in fat, cholesterol free, and has 10 essential vitamins and minerals. All of this brought to you by the Flintstone's fun-loving dinosaur pet: Dino!"

Biggest problem here = "Marshmallowy Boulder." Do not feed me oxymorons for breakfast, Post!

"LiveActive Cereal:

New LiveActive Cereal from Post is made with whole grain wheat and inulin, a prebiotic fiber, to help promote digestive health. The best part? It tastes great!"

Breakfast to make you poo. I guess it's a good idea, but...ew.

"Shredded Wheat with Strawberries:

I have deleted their description because all you need to know is that this is delicious.

"Chocolate HoneyComb:

Honeycomb cereal introduces Chocolate Honeycomb! A new Honeycomb cereal with a delicious chocolate flavor. Just like Honeycomb, it's an excellent source of whole grain – 16 grams per serving*, has 10 vitamins and minerals and 0g of trans fat. Of course it has the BIG Honeycomb size for the biggest chocolate bite in breakfast!"

Wait for it...

"Honey Bunches of Oats Chocolate:

Announcing new Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Chocolate Clusters cereal! The perfect combination of crispy flakes and crunchy oat clusters with chocolate baked right in. It's a good source of whole grain - 10 grams per serving* and has 9 Essential Vitamins and Minerals. It's sweet, but not too sweet!"

A one-two punch of unnecessary chocolate! Thank you, Post.