How I Amuse Myself at Work

An actual e-mail that I received at work:

Lauren,

25 years ago the quintessential homemaker was June Cleaver, but today it could very well be Bobby Flay—a fact that seems obvious in today’s gender blurred generation (check out your local grocer over the weekend: over 40% of its shoppers are men buying cooking or cleaning supplies).

So why aren’t household brands marketing to men? A special report in Adweek examines the issues and facts. Among the highlights:

· A A recent survey found men neck-and-neck with women in purchasing household items including cleaning products, home décor, child-care products and cooking utilities.

.......Wonkity wonkwonk blaghier sdkhaohf;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;;

Don't worry readers! I wouldn't really make you read the whole thing! Instead, I'll break it down into bite-size bits of rancor (Ranc-os! Like a fun snack!), just for you:

"25 years ago the quintessential homemaker was June Cleaver, but today it could very well be Bobby Flay..."

Holy hell! Mentioning Bobby Flay in the very first sentence? Janice (I've decided that's the PR person's name), why would you do that to me? Personal biases aside, I don't think anyone EVER has thought, "Oh, Bobby Flay -- that's a freakin' great homemaker guy." Alton Brown, perhaps, but Grilly McSmug over there, I think not.

"today’s gender blurred generation"

Jan, I don't even know what this means.

"companies tend to eschew marketing to men"

I just wanted to point out here that Jan used the word "eschew." Someone's been using her SAT prep flashcards...

"testosterone appealing aspects: emphasizing size, power and length – even for vacuum cleaners or cooking utensils."

Heh. Phallic references. Fine, Jan, I'll forgive the Flay reference -- I'm kind of enjoying this.

"In a 2007 survey on relationships, participants rated 'sharing household chores' as a top priority for a healthy couple, with only 'faithfulness' and 'a happy sexual relationship' ranking above."

Annnnd I totally take that back. Not enjoyable. Are you kidding me, Jan? Priorities = 1) security, 2) orgasms and 3) only vacuuming half the time?

"The days of froufrou sheets and frilly pillowcases are gone..."

Hi. I'm a woman. I enjoy ruffly things, the color pink, and being repressed -- just like all you other lady people out there!

"Former New York Times media writer Andrew Adam Newman presents new data..."

And she ends it with a zinger. The Times? Seriously, Janice? Did you just build a little window into my brain, see everything I loathe and create a press release around it for your own amusement? We are done, Jan -- done.