The Web site ihateeveryone.info currently does not exist.
MEANING: Now is the time to stake a claim!
If anyone would like to contribute to the "thelaurenbell WILL own ihateeveryone.com Fund," please send checks, money orders, cash and various bartering items (shiny buttons, candy, etc.) my way.
Success in this mission means 1) I am more ridiculous than I thought. 2) I will form a fake (or not?) organization under the name ihateveryone.info. Those who contribute to this worthy cause will receive an officer-ship of the highest status, i.e.: VP of Surliness.
Let us go forth and make this glorious site available to the masses.
Thursday, November 13, 2008
Thursday, November 6, 2008
A special gift for you, reader
At the tender age of 6,when people would ask me my favorite singer, I would answer with this guy.
Revel in his awesomeness.
And then ponder why I would ever be IMDB-ing him at work.
Revel in his awesomeness.
And then ponder why I would ever be IMDB-ing him at work.
Wednesday, November 5, 2008
John McCain doesn't believe in vaginas
I don't know about you guys, but I totally voted yesterday JUST FOR THE FREE STUFF. Democracy, shmecrocacy, I needed a Ben & Jerry's cone -- and I wasn't about to pay $3.75 for that nonsense.
And you know what else I needed? A politically-themed masturbation aid. Good thing some online sex store was totally sharing my brain!
Babeland was doling out party-neutral Silver Bullets and a John McCain-themed "masturbation sleeve" (for guys, obvy) for people who could prove they voted.
Problems:
1.) I did not receive any proof of voting.
1a.) One of those bodacious "I voted" stickers would probably have quenched my thirst for free voting-related stuff, but apparently NY doesn't really believe in rewarding people for voting/handing out stickers to people over the age of 4. I now blame the city for leading me down this dark path to unpaidfor sex technology.
2.) How do I flash someone my [non-existent] "I voted" sticker over the Internet (home of Babeland)?
2a.) Why does saying "flash my sticker" in conjunction with "Internet" and "Babeland" make me feel ooky?
3.) Why is there a dude-exclusive McCain sex product?
It's this last one that really gave me pause. First of all, gross. Gross in concept (do you really need a "sleeve" for these things?) and gross in name (McCain? Sex? Sleeve? *vomit on my shoes*)
Secondly...what? I know McCain did not willingly put his name on this item (or did he? Maybe now that he's lost he'll open up a sex shop and say goodbye to politics forever), but why would you ever link these things?
I think this has something to do with his disbelief in women's health. The good people down at Babeland were hanging out in their product development laboratory, trying to think of something to name after the Republican candidate, and they realized: that man does not like to think about what happens in a women's nether-regional area. Let us do him a solid and keep him far away from that. Thus, the Maverick Sleeve was born.
P.S.: It was really hard to write that second-to-last sentence without any double entendres. At first I was like "nether regions...keep him out of there." No. And then I thought, "keep him far away from that sticky situation." Double no.
P.P.S.: I am totally writing this at work.
And you know what else I needed? A politically-themed masturbation aid. Good thing some online sex store was totally sharing my brain!
Babeland was doling out party-neutral Silver Bullets and a John McCain-themed "masturbation sleeve" (for guys, obvy) for people who could prove they voted.
Problems:
1.) I did not receive any proof of voting.
1a.) One of those bodacious "I voted" stickers would probably have quenched my thirst for free voting-related stuff, but apparently NY doesn't really believe in rewarding people for voting/handing out stickers to people over the age of 4. I now blame the city for leading me down this dark path to unpaidfor sex technology.
2.) How do I flash someone my [non-existent] "I voted" sticker over the Internet (home of Babeland)?
2a.) Why does saying "flash my sticker" in conjunction with "Internet" and "Babeland" make me feel ooky?
3.) Why is there a dude-exclusive McCain sex product?
It's this last one that really gave me pause. First of all, gross. Gross in concept (do you really need a "sleeve" for these things?) and gross in name (McCain? Sex? Sleeve? *vomit on my shoes*)
Secondly...what? I know McCain did not willingly put his name on this item (or did he? Maybe now that he's lost he'll open up a sex shop and say goodbye to politics forever), but why would you ever link these things?
I think this has something to do with his disbelief in women's health. The good people down at Babeland were hanging out in their product development laboratory, trying to think of something to name after the Republican candidate, and they realized: that man does not like to think about what happens in a women's nether-regional area. Let us do him a solid and keep him far away from that. Thus, the Maverick Sleeve was born.
P.S.: It was really hard to write that second-to-last sentence without any double entendres. At first I was like "nether regions...keep him out of there." No. And then I thought, "keep him far away from that sticky situation." Double no.
P.P.S.: I am totally writing this at work.
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