This is what happens when I'm left alone with the dog for 5 days

It's refilling its bladder right now, so I have to be quick.

Just have to point out that I LOVE THIS WEB SITE: 

http://www.shopperschoice.com/index.html

"But thelaurenbell!" you may protest, "First of all, man have the Internets missed you! But also, that's just a shitty off-price furniture Web site! There aren't even cool graphics or ridiculous slogans! WHYYYY?"

Well, thanks, dear readers, and, yes, I know. However! A person with the will and the wallet to do so may buy a TIKI HUT on this site. Or more than one, in a variety of shapes and sizes. You could build a whole tiki village, filled with villagers and/or neighboring children paid off with ice pops in which to live out any and all of your tiki fantasies. 

This idea tickles me. As does the memory of a particularly stirring episode of the OC, in which Ryan builds a tiki sex hut on the beach for a night of (presumably awkward) passion with Marissa Cooper. God, I love that show.

Speaking of shows, here I have a segue about one: the other reason why I love this Web site is because they are selling a "Michael Scott" line of furniture. I like to think these simple wood-hewn pieces are meant to evoke the Michael Scott character from The Office (see! another show! segueeeeee). This, too, tickles me. 

Not having seen most of the latest season of The Office, I can only assume that these products are actually a bizarr-o commercial tie-in to an episode arc wherein Michael leaves the company to become a cabinet-maker. During commercial breaks, when they're telling you to read Dwight's blog and look inside Creed's fridge, they added a bit exhorting viewers to actually buy Michael's $800 tables. Good work, NBC. I am now going to search this site for electric mixers endorsed by Ben Linus from Lost. Because...I dunno, I was looking for other character names, but I really like the evil crazy that is Ben. Whatever.

 

I stopped caring about real-life, so now I have to care about blog life again

Hey! Remember that time I had a blog? And it was so funny and witty and everyone loved it and read it every day? That was fun!

But then I discovered the sordid pleasures of TV and yoga and eating dinner while sitting -- with people! -- instead of hunched over at my desk (I guess technically still sitting), and the whole enterprise went to HELL. I apologize.

Now, though, I have a dog -- a furry poop machine of my very own -- and I cannot be bothered with "people" or "exercising" or "actually putting on clothes before walking into broad daylight."

Today, which was only day three of the Great Puppy Experiment, I left my apartment at 6:30 in the morning wearing flipflops, my boyfriend's old basketball shorts and a tank top that was not built to withstand the harsh rays of the sun. I actually spoke with another human being looking that, while holding a massive handful of steaming dog poo. No, no, I haven't lost all shame -- it has been ripped from me like the arm of a medieval torture victim (you know, when they do that thing with the horses running in different directions? no?), and I will never get it back.

That's okay, though. If there's one thing I have learned from perusing the World Wide Web, it's that shame can only hold you back. Now that I no longer care about real-life, I can focus all my efforts on the secret, sexy life of Internet superstarletawesomeperson thelaurenbell. You're welcome.

2 quick things

so that I'm not a total failure at April.

1) Our office manager has a candy bowl on his desk. I call it that only because it is a bowl filled with candy, and not because it is a purpose-specific hand-etched crystal that Gracious Home would try to sell you for $32.50. This is important to note because if the fine founders of Gracious Home (I like to think that their last name is actually "Gracious") saw what was in the bowl today, they would undoubtedly have a conniption fit. Or possibly the vapors -- I'm not sure how old-timey they are.

In the bowl today are individual, unwrapped gummi bears, which one must scoop from the bowl with a plastic spoon. They're all stuck together in a little free-range gummi orgy, and if I see someone try to eat them, I will likely have the vapors myself.

2) I walked by a store that sells "Baby and Teen Furniture." Why no children? Does this store hate children? Do they really only like selling cribs and whatever it is that teens use? What IS it that teens use? I imagine these as things made of skateboards and old pizza boxes because I am 87 years old, but I cannot be sure. TEENS -- what is your furniture, and why do you demand special treatment?