Important Life Choices

The laundromat is the heart of any good community.

[sidenote: I’m trying to start posts with words other than “I.” It’s much harder than one might think.]

Being the good community member that I am [as in, member of a good community, not as in being good at it], I was at the laundromat over the weekend. Don’t worry, I was not actually doing laundry because that’s for plebeians; I was merely helping my plebeian boyfriend fold his plebeian underpants. Then, I saw some signs.

These signs were not your usual laundromat signs, instructing me to put three quarters in the machine or to not dye my clothes in their washers (who does that?). These were COMMUNITY signs -- fliers with tear-off phone numbers, entreating various laundromat patrons to put down that lint trap and pick up an oboe for your local reed instrument symphony, or to call Susan [licensed instructor!] for free French lessons on Saturdays.

Those left me nonplussed. Whose community doesn’t have a joint math gang/medieval war reenactors’ club? Yawn.

However, just when I thought folding underpants was going to turn out to be just as boring as it sounds, two very special signs caught my eye. One told me that if I called the number listed on the bottom, I could learn to speak to angels. The one right beneath it told me that if I took their number, I could learn to speak to Animals! OOOOOOO!

The signs gave the distinct impression that they were in competition for willing students. The kind of linguistical genius that can learn to speak the languages of both angels and animals at the same time comes along rarely, and never in a laundromat. These signs were out for blood. Signblood. Interested parties had to make a choice.

So I did what any underpants-folding fool would: squealed, pointed out both, and proceeded to ask the pleb what he would choose. He said animals, which immediately made me think angels were probably a better choice. Animals would just be all up in your business asking for food all day. Angels would have some real shit to talk about because they have weightier things on their minds than, “Who peed here last?”

Then again, angels might be kind of a downer. What if you tried to start a normal conversation, like, “Hey, angelguy, have you seen the latest episode of The Office?” The angel, having weightier things on its mind, would sigh, roll its angelic eyes and expound upon virtues and blahblahblah.

We don’t need those kinds of snobs mucking up our neighborhood.