I am so over the term, "Like a fish out of water."
I don't know if all of you have had the extensive icthyologous experience that I have, so I'm just gonna tell you: A fish out of water is dead. It's not "like" anything, except maybe something that flops sadly on its side for a few minutes before expiring.
Really, the only way I can see it working as a simile is: "He was shot in the stomach, and, for a brief moment, as his life flashed before his eyes, he was like a fish out of water. Then, when he died, he was like a fish who had been out of water for too long. Only his eyes weren't so buggy." Morbid, but possibly effective.
Here's the problem: If someone tries to sell you a "fish out of water" story, they are not trying to sell you the heartwarming tale of something floppy and dead. "Fish out of water," for most people, means "someone out of their comfort zone" who fumbles around for a while, becomes angry at the differentness of their situation, then learns to adjust and survive in their new place.
I've never seen a fish "adjust" to being out of the water. I'm pretty sure it only works on a grand, eons-of-evolution-type scale. Come to think of it, I've never seen a fish struggle, on an emotional/mental/existential angsty level with where she's found herself in life, nor have I seen one become angry about it. Mostly, they just blink those big ol' eyes and flop.
Blinking and flopping is not the sort of thing you want people to think of when you are trying to sell your "Wall Streeter goes broke and returns to hometown to teach kindergarten with wacky results" summer blockbuster. If I were a movie executive, that sort of pitch would go down as follows:
WRITERS: Ms. TLB! Have we got an idea for you!
TLB: *icy stare*
WRITERS: We think you're gonna like it - it's a real fish out of water story!
TLB: Oh, good, I like death.
WRITERS: Um, no, ma'am, there's no death - it's about a guy who puts mayonnaise on sandwiches...
TLB: *more icy stares!*
WRITERS: and then, one day, he gets mistaken for the president of Venezuela!
TLB: and then he starts gasping for breath all the time?
WRITERS: Um, no, he has to go to Venezuala
TLB: and then he starts doing this weird flippy-floppy thing with his limbs? or his eyes get all huge and round and black? or he accidentally slides under the couch and gets all covered in lint?
WRITERS: Well, that last one could happen, but, that's not really where we're going with this.
TLB: Well for God's sakes men! How else could it be a fish out of water story! Don't tell me it's some Tree of Life giant timespan crap!
WRITERS: We'll go back to our office and hammer it out.
No comments:
Post a Comment