Monologue for Chase Utley, Phillies Second baseman

players: 1 man, athletic build, 20-30 years old, strongly resembling a billygoat.

scene: It's the bottom of the 3rd inning. Utley, the young hero of this tale, races to catch a ground ball that speeds past him. He stumbles. His muscle-bound hulk twists to the ground, kicking up a spray of dust.

UTLEY: grrrrarrrr.

He has just failed epically. The ball piffles past him, allowing a base hit for the Phillies' arch nemeses, the New York Mets.

UTLEY: Stupid. Stupid Utley. That's another night of being chained in the dugout for you.

The crowd, composed largely of Mets fans, cheers maniacally.

UTLEY: Is it cool if I scratch my groin right now? It always helps me feel better.

His hand inches towards his groin. The TV cameras zoom in.

UTLEY: Yesyesyesyes...NO. They're watching. Reveling in my failure. Oh, they'll pay for this torture.

...

UTLEY: How about now? What do you mean they're still watching? They cannot long separate Utley from his ultimate bliss!

First base guy gives him a warning look, as if pleading with the headstrong lad, "Boy, don't embarrass us here."

UTLEY: Look, I don't give a damn how long they were watching the Coors Light Extra Cold Freeze Frame Awesomachine -- they need to take those cameras off of me because I have a NEED right now.

And when did they stop calling it "Instant Replay?"

A short and boring strike-out. The cameras return to Utley -- the beacon of drama.

UTLEY: Yessss...satisfact -- what? Really? That's it -- you, shortstop, create a diversion; awesomeness, stupidity, I don't care how you distract them. I have things to do.

[Insert wholly inappropriate "I have a ball game to play" joke here.]