I don't understand people

Sometimes, I question people's judgment.

And by "people" I don't just mean those that I know personally (though, when Gerard thinks eating a hotdog at 10:00 at night after having had a stomachache all day, I do question him because, really, hotdog = opposite of TUMS); I mean "all people, everywhere - particularly strangers and groups of strangers who don't really care what I think."

Just the other day, I spent many minutes of my precious, personal zone-out time on the subway wondering why anyone would choose to carry a messenger bag with the naked silhouette of a woman prominently displayed on its front. More specifically, I wondered why a person who was not 14 years old (the age where your desire to be in proximity to a naked woman and the likelihood of that actually happening are totally opposite) would even own such a thing, and why that person would carry it IN PUBLIC - in front of the children and the nuns and the actual ladies who are sometimes naked but probably don't look like that.

Hint, dude: having a naked lady on your bag does not act as some sort of homing signal for other naked ladies. It's not like a peer pressure thing, wherein I see your naked bag lady and think, "Man, that lady looks comfortable and awesome, perhaps I should get naked, too." No. No.

Poor misguided man. You are not physically repulsive (though, even without the naked lady bag, you do have questionable facial hair). Surely you can find an actual, flesh-and-blood, sometimes-naked lady to keep you company. You can't carry her naked through the streets, as you do with your current ladyfriend, but I think everyone - you, me...and no one else really matters here - will be much happier if you leave your ridiculous carryall choices at home.

On the flight to Vegas

United Airways, in their limitless good judgment and wisdom, has decided that the best possible entertainment for a 4 hour flight to Las Vegas is:

1) The Hulk, starring Ed Norton

2) A 2-year-old episode of The Office (Halloween, first season)

3) An hour-long (possibly longer) History Channel special on hotdogs.

There are so many things wrong with this.

Even ignoring the flat-out bad-ness that is The Hulk -- why would you kick off a lengthy flight with something full of explosions, violence and growling mutants? That is not the sort of thing that puts your passengers at ease. In fact, it is just the kind of thing that gets passengers like me worried because what are you going to do if someone gets all hulked up on this plane over the desert? That’s what I thought.

We’re going to totally ignore the Office thing because it’s mostly benign and it’s too random for me to think about.

Okay, the hotdog thing. Maybe I’m just 8 years old here, but I cannot take a History Channel show seriously when it is wholly composed of lengthy, loving shots of flaccid brown penis-looking things. People holding the penis tenderly in their fingers. People posing next to the penis and smiling. Penis after penis shooting off a conveyer belt.

Even if no one else’s mind went there, a hotdog is a weird thing to highlight because no matter how freaking delicious they are (and they are), they are disgusting sacks of chopped up, nameless meat pieces. No one wants to learn about that. No one wants to see extended factory shots of the meat bits getting stirred.

It’s bad and it’s wrong and it’s making me hungry. (That’s what she said).