Don't you feel clean - oui or non?

I'm writing a lot about shower products lately. Bear with me - I spend a lot of time either in the shower or thinking I should be in the shower because I smell kinda funky (thanks, Tom's of Maine deodorant stick of worthlessness!).

Getting so much face time with bath products has made me curious: why is everything written on the bottle in perfectly clear English repeated in French on the exact same bottle?
This bizarro, French copy-catification happens on soap, shampoos, rasors, lady products - pretty much everything having to do with personal hygiene. These things are not, to my knowledge, being sold to French people. Nor are they created in France, so I am confused about this extraneous and careless use of the French language. If I've learned anything from Pepe LePeu cartoons and/or the type of people who brought us "freedom fries," it's that the French are not anywhere close to experts on the subject of personal hygiene. Love, oui. Wine, bien sur. Soap - maybe once a week if vee can stop zee smooching for long enough! Honhonhon!

Obviously, given the above, extremely factual example, the idea that the French would have any say in America's cleanliness is ridiculous.

This is either some sort of nefarious plot by the French that is too complicated for me to even explain, a kind but misguided effort to encourage more American-like bathroom behaviors among our French brethren, or, even worse, a ridiculous attempt by American marketing people to fancify an American product for American consumers...by talking about it in a language none of these people knows.

My money is on choice #3. Only the type of people who appreciate "Burst"-scented things would think a French is a sexysexy surefire way to sell people on soap. It's not enough for these people that my shaving cream smells like a cabana blender or that my soap is "purifying" me instead of just cleaning me - my shower now has to be French as well. It's elegant, like when a restaurant puts "gateau" on its menu instead of "cake" or when people order "french fries" instead of "freedom taters."

Meeting My Needs

There are many things in this life that I truly, desperately need: liquid assets, a place to live, a magical portkey to the world of Harry Potter (minus that trollop Ginny Weasley). These things are serious, and I will not live happily without them.

There are other things, though, that I can admit to not needing. In fact, I would go so far as to say the world does not need them. One of these things is legs that smell like "Strawberry Tangerine Twist."


Yes, I own this. And no, thank God no, my bottle of it does not have a sparkly, lumpy popsicle-thingy (or sea creature?) on it. It has sparkly strawberries - it's new and improved.

But really, world, when and why did we decide, "You know what's too simple? Showering. There are not enough scented things and definitely not enough sparkles in America's showers. Let's jazz that situation up!"

Between the "coconut" in my shower gel, the peppermint in my shampoo and this, all my shower needs is some hard liquor to start a tiki bar with all the mixers. I guess that's where the "twist" comes in.

Please, world, if you love me at all, stop dumping hours of research and millions of dollars into shavescent technology. Let's focus on things we need - like a house for me. It won't smell like My Little Pony, but it will probably be cheaper, and it will get me out of your hair. Especially if it has a portkey.

UGH

OF COURSE GUY "I'm only on a cooking show because I'm fat and will do anything" FIERI HAWKS SOMETHING CALLED THE "DRAGON DAGGER."

Dragon dagger. Dragon. Dagger. It's like one of those words that, the more you say it, the less it makes sense, until eventually you get to the point where it's just gobbledygook - only in this case you only have to say it once.

By the way, this knife is for tomatoes.

I know tomatoes are the fiercest of the secret fruits that are often confused for vegetables, but seriously. You don't need to intimidate them by painting your knife to look like a motorcycle. Tomatoes are not that hard to cut; nor are they easily fooled.

Dragon Dagger, brought to you by the guy who thinks "Knuckle Sandwich" is an appropriate name for a brand. That same guy also thinks that knives should resemble your fanciest Matchbox racecar. Let's all take a second to hate that guy.