Monologue for Chase Utley, Phillies Second baseman

players: 1 man, athletic build, 20-30 years old, strongly resembling a billygoat.

scene: It's the bottom of the 3rd inning. Utley, the young hero of this tale, races to catch a ground ball that speeds past him. He stumbles. His muscle-bound hulk twists to the ground, kicking up a spray of dust.

UTLEY: grrrrarrrr.

He has just failed epically. The ball piffles past him, allowing a base hit for the Phillies' arch nemeses, the New York Mets.

UTLEY: Stupid. Stupid Utley. That's another night of being chained in the dugout for you.

The crowd, composed largely of Mets fans, cheers maniacally.

UTLEY: Is it cool if I scratch my groin right now? It always helps me feel better.

His hand inches towards his groin. The TV cameras zoom in.

UTLEY: Yesyesyesyes...NO. They're watching. Reveling in my failure. Oh, they'll pay for this torture.

...

UTLEY: How about now? What do you mean they're still watching? They cannot long separate Utley from his ultimate bliss!

First base guy gives him a warning look, as if pleading with the headstrong lad, "Boy, don't embarrass us here."

UTLEY: Look, I don't give a damn how long they were watching the Coors Light Extra Cold Freeze Frame Awesomachine -- they need to take those cameras off of me because I have a NEED right now.

And when did they stop calling it "Instant Replay?"

A short and boring strike-out. The cameras return to Utley -- the beacon of drama.

UTLEY: Yessss...satisfact -- what? Really? That's it -- you, shortstop, create a diversion; awesomeness, stupidity, I don't care how you distract them. I have things to do.

[Insert wholly inappropriate "I have a ball game to play" joke here.]

Jurassic Fight Club

I saw a poster up for Jurassic Fight Club, the TV show? Movie? Live (oh pleasepleaseplease) performance? about a week ago, and i have been trying to think of something funny to write about it ever since. Through much internal debate, however, I have decided that NOTHING could possibly be funnier than those three words put together.

Observe:

JURASSIC. FIGHT. CLUB.

Are you freaking laughing your pants off right now? You bet you are. (an added dose of funny - because once you get the JFC ball rolling you can't be stopped - I first wrote this sentence as "are you freaking your pants right now?" you figure it out.)

For added hilarity, check out their oh-so-serious, do-they-really-think-they-are-being-cool-or-is-this-ironic-? art work*:



Crazy handwriting! Blood spatters! Dinosaurs screaming for the noble glory of the kill! Do you feel testosterone, awesomeness and Mountain Dew seeping out of your every pore right now? Well, good because you're watching the History Channel, bitch.

*This version of the art work, I admit, is slightly less awesome than what I've been seeing about town because it actually tells you that this is a TV show featuring CGI dinosaurs as imagined by the History Channel. The posters I have been laughing about only show that middle wordy part, and leave the rest to the magic of fanciful interpretation, hence my confusion at the beginning of this post, wherein I was hoping that Jurassic Fight Club might actually be an audience-participation-enhanced musical theatre dinner show.