Hating...Foiled!

For MONTHS I have been mentally preparing a post concerning the inferiority of Post brand cereals -- how their Raisin Bran is but a poor cardboard imitation of the delicious raisinness and brandtasticocity that is Kellogg's; how their so-called "shredded wheat" (heh, creative name guys. real clever.) wants so badly to be Frosted Mini Wheats but is certainly not; how Fruity Pebbles are just...weird. Could they think of a less-appetizing shape for a cereal? It looks like the dandruff flakes of some horrible Red17/ascorbic acid monster. Blurgh.

Today, however, you, dear readers, were robbed of my masterpiece in the medium of derision.

Today, I experienced one of my top 18 breakfast cereal moments, and, though it pains me, I must credit Post for this breakthrough.

I was at the grocery store, getting my usual spaghetti sauce and beer (...), when I decided that I might also like some solid foods -- preferably of the breakfast variety. I went to the ceral aisle with a craving right on the tip of my tongue (where a food craving should be) for something sweet, but not too sweet. Good wet or dry. Not too small or too crumbly. It was a very complex craving.

In spite of my many many misgivings, I chose the latest offering from those chuckleheads over at Post: Shredded Wheat with Strawberries.

Dudes, I cannot even explain to you how delicious this stuff is. The taste may have been enhanced by the fact that I was hungry enough to consume a small donkey, but I think this stuff has got legs. Tiny, bite-size shredded wheat squares, fake white sugar coating stuff, actual freeze-dried strawberry bits...I mean, it's NO Cracklin' Oat Bran (greatest cereal of all time, hands down), but damn.

Of course, you can trust a world-class ruiner of breakfast like Post to keep such satisfying experiences at a minimum. When I looked at the site to check the name of the life-changing cereal (and then felt really stupid when 'that shredded wheat-y one with the strawberry bits' turned out to be 'Shredded Wheat with Strawberries'), I happened upon a mother lode of morning food atrocities that Post is unleashing on the world:

"Dino S'mores Pebbles:

Pebbles cereal introduces Dino S'mores Pebbles! Great s'mores flavor served up in fun Dinosaur Bone, Marshmallowy Boulder and Chocolatey Nugget shapes. Just like Cocoa and Fruity Pebbles, it's low in fat, cholesterol free, and has 10 essential vitamins and minerals. All of this brought to you by the Flintstone's fun-loving dinosaur pet: Dino!"

Biggest problem here = "Marshmallowy Boulder." Do not feed me oxymorons for breakfast, Post!

"LiveActive Cereal:

New LiveActive Cereal from Post is made with whole grain wheat and inulin, a prebiotic fiber, to help promote digestive health. The best part? It tastes great!"

Breakfast to make you poo. I guess it's a good idea, but...ew.

"Shredded Wheat with Strawberries:

I have deleted their description because all you need to know is that this is delicious.

"Chocolate HoneyComb:

Honeycomb cereal introduces Chocolate Honeycomb! A new Honeycomb cereal with a delicious chocolate flavor. Just like Honeycomb, it's an excellent source of whole grain – 16 grams per serving*, has 10 vitamins and minerals and 0g of trans fat. Of course it has the BIG Honeycomb size for the biggest chocolate bite in breakfast!"

Wait for it...

"Honey Bunches of Oats Chocolate:

Announcing new Honey Bunches of Oats with Real Chocolate Clusters cereal! The perfect combination of crispy flakes and crunchy oat clusters with chocolate baked right in. It's a good source of whole grain - 10 grams per serving* and has 9 Essential Vitamins and Minerals. It's sweet, but not too sweet!"

A one-two punch of unnecessary chocolate! Thank you, Post.