Just Another Day at the Naming Factory

Demoted. Again. Once, I was the king of product naming, the Necromancer of Nomenclature (and, yes, I did come up with that one on my own. I know.). But now is the twilight of my greatness. My star dims. One more "Sleep Cheap" fiasco could darken it for good.

I thought I understood the sweet science of product naming; I dazzled my professors in "Fun Rhymes 350", cracked the curve on my "Alliteration Always" exam, but, lo, here I sit with the dummies in Household Appliances. Where is the poetry in adding "-matic" to the end of everything? What ho the lyricism in random strings of numbers? An Insider Tip for you, compassionate listener: the only difference in the CoffeeMan3500 and 4500 is the price. Do not tell your coldhearted friends. They care only for what comes out of these machines - not what goes into them. 

Today's mindless consumers (mostly - not you, dear, kindhearted listener) did not take - nay, refused to take - just the tiniest hair of a second to think, "Sleep. That is a thing I like to do. Cheap. That is the price I want to pay. Yes - I will go into that store!" They saw Sleep and Cheap paired elegantly in rhyming bliss and said, with great flapping of their slobbering, heathen muzzles, "Argh! Cheap is not sexy - it is bad to not be sexy!" and puffed their pectoral muscles and stomped by that sweet Eden of mattress buying. These people also probably suffered from flatulence - but that is just conjecture.

Vividly, and with great fondness, do I remember the glorious days when you could trust the shopping public with a thoughtful name. My crowning glory was "99 Cent Dream" - a simple bargain store, but the name promised so much more! To some, it was an innocent indulgence, to others, a naughty fantasy. Oh, yes, it was provocative! The masses were not afraid, in those days, of a little titillation, a slight tickle of the imagination in their shopping experience. I dolefully shake my head as I remember...

Zounds! The twit beside me has just been called up to the "Hip Coffee Shop" department. Though the department itself has a woefully inadequate name (having yet again foolishly rejected my annual offer of "Cool Beans"), it's a top-tier placement here, holding its own against the vaunted halls of Candy and Nail Polish. The ninny next to me escaped this minor-league morass by merely belching out "Expresso!" when faced with yet another counter-top espresso machine. It's unclear to me whether she was truly "naming" or just saying what she thought the machine's end-product was, but I guess management here saves the hard questions for those of us who dare to take time and care in naming our products. 

Who did it harm when I took three days to roll out "Easy Squeezy Fresh n Easy" for the latest juicer? Surely not the short-sighted product developers, who, in the end, chose "Juicenator3000" from the fellows down the hall.  

These men and women, brilliant engineers though they may be, love not their creations. To spend so much time planning, building, gestating your machine, and then to name it so -- is it not like naming one's own child, "Being-a-Person-atic"? You are simply saying what it does! Trust the artist, the namer (me!) to ease your precious creation into the world with a sense of purpose and personality, the same way a trusted midwife or child psychologist, or, yes, I'll say it,  father would help the long-suffering mother arrive at Argyle or Petunia or a similarly suitable moniker for a human child.

Yes, you're right, my nattering has been going on long enough. So sorry to distract you from the important task of naming that grapefruit spoon. Might I suggest "99 Cent Dream"?