Reader, you have no idea how happy I am about to make you. Happier than any other blog. Happier than you dreamed you could be, before you met me. The happiest...ooooo, girl...you've ever felt. Sit back, and let the smooth smooth stylings of seminal 90s pop group Color Me Badd wash over your pretty eyes and ears.
Wow. Just wow, and you're welcome.
In case some of you are not technical geniuses like thelaurenbell and cannot watch this video, a brief narration follows:
Girl, I know you miss me. I miss you too, bAbY! Hey, I have an idea -- watch this dance video that my bros and I made, out by the railroad tracks. Doesn't it make you feel all warm and sexy-like?
No? Well, look girl, I know you're classy. How's about this giant office? You know, the one with the candles. Naw, girl, I didn't get those just for you -- we're a candle company -- but you can think that if you want. If it makes you feel sexxxxy.
My boys here, they got the "dangerous/sexy" thang covered. Doesn't being trapped in an elevator with a stranger give you the lovemaking tingles? You know I know it does.
So here's what we got, baby, a smorgasbord of pleasure. At home alone? Bam, got you covered. Boardroom? You know it. Elevator? Ohhhhh yeahhh. Party? Bring it on, lover! We'll go in this closet -- you know I'd go anywhere and everywhere for you!
Baby, we'll do it all night. "Until we both wake up." That's right, I can even do it when I'm asleep, that's the extent of my love for you. I love you so bad, baby, I will physically pleasure you far beyond the point of normal human endurance, until we are both exhausted and pray for a quick end. But I'll keep going because that's what a real man -- a man who loves his lady -- does. OooooOOOoooOOOoo.
Sunday, February 22, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
SWEET VINDICATION
Starbucks coffee tastes like it was poured from a chumbucket full of ashes.
I have been trying to tell people this for YEARS, and they have never listened to me. Instead, they stare at me blankly, and I have to turn around all sadfaced and misunderstood and leave them to their horrible horrible coffe.
I ask myself, "Why do they not immeidately agree with me? Is it because they are not sure what 'chumbucket' means? Is it because they enjoy ashes? Do I not understand human tastebuds?"
But now I know that they are all fools, and I was RIGHT:
http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/food/2009/02/05/2009-02-05_eight_oclock_coffee_beats_starbucks_dunk.html
I have been trying to tell people this for YEARS, and they have never listened to me. Instead, they stare at me blankly, and I have to turn around all sadfaced and misunderstood and leave them to their horrible horrible coffe.
I ask myself, "Why do they not immeidately agree with me? Is it because they are not sure what 'chumbucket' means? Is it because they enjoy ashes? Do I not understand human tastebuds?"
But now I know that they are all fools, and I was RIGHT:
http://www.nydailynews.com/lifestyle/food/2009/02/05/2009-02-05_eight_oclock_coffee_beats_starbucks_dunk.html
Thursday, February 5, 2009
NYT can't stop, won't stop
A NYT story about the death of Domino magazine describes its readers thus:
"crafty, handy young women — like Carrie Bradshaw but cooler, with fewer shoes, better values and a mortgage"
So, you mean...not at all like Carrie Bradshaw. You confuse me, NYT. The only similarity I can spot is...
WAIT
OMG, of course! They are all womennnnnn! How could I not have seen -- Carrie Bradshaw has ladybits, and so do these people! They're like peas in a pod! They're exactly the same!
And BONUS FOR YOU, you clever Times scribes, your random mention of a canceled TV show has made me want to read your newspaper more closely -- because I am a girlyperson too! Perhaps I will even forward this article to my "girlfriends," so that we can all teeheehee and nod our heads over the trueness and realness of it all while brushing each other's hair and tiling our bathrooms. Yayyyyyyyy!
.......................................................................................
Why do you DO this, NYT? Have I not chastised you enough? Can you please stop grasping at the thinnest of cultural straws in your attempts to be "with it?" Seriously. Reading the words "Carrie Bradshaw" made me want to pull out my own eyeballs 3 years ago, when they were vaguely culturally relevant. Stick to the facts -- you're almost good at that.
"crafty, handy young women — like Carrie Bradshaw but cooler, with fewer shoes, better values and a mortgage"
So, you mean...not at all like Carrie Bradshaw. You confuse me, NYT. The only similarity I can spot is...
WAIT
OMG, of course! They are all womennnnnn! How could I not have seen -- Carrie Bradshaw has ladybits, and so do these people! They're like peas in a pod! They're exactly the same!
And BONUS FOR YOU, you clever Times scribes, your random mention of a canceled TV show has made me want to read your newspaper more closely -- because I am a girlyperson too! Perhaps I will even forward this article to my "girlfriends," so that we can all teeheehee and nod our heads over the trueness and realness of it all while brushing each other's hair and tiling our bathrooms. Yayyyyyyyy!
.......................................................................................
Why do you DO this, NYT? Have I not chastised you enough? Can you please stop grasping at the thinnest of cultural straws in your attempts to be "with it?" Seriously. Reading the words "Carrie Bradshaw" made me want to pull out my own eyeballs 3 years ago, when they were vaguely culturally relevant. Stick to the facts -- you're almost good at that.
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