Because LeBron needs one more person to write about him

I don't know anything about basketball. Nor do I care anything about Cleveland, but still, something  - perhaps the collective rage-gasm that is shaking all of non-Miami America, rattling their bones and forcing them to extreme quotation marks usage? - makes me want to understand this whole LeBron James thingamajig (and by that, I mean, garble out a ridiculous metaphor that I thought up in the shower).

So it's like this: LeBron might be good at basketball or whatever, but I don't think people are really all that mad about that. Other people are good at basketball too -- but those other people are not from Cleveland.

It's like if the Empire State Building suddenly said, "You know, New York has been great and all, but I think I can be on more postcards if I move to St. Louis, with the Arch. Archie and I have known each other for a while, and I think, together, we can get into more tourist photos and movie backgrounds than I can by myself here in the Big Apple."

New Yorkers would be all, "Hellllll no!" And not because the Empire State Building is the freakin' awesomest building around  (we don't even have a giant gorilla hanging off the top, as so often happened in the good old days), but just because it's OURS.  We built it, it got famous here; we even trained it to light up in appropriate colors for different city events. What did St. Louis ever do?

And where do they get off luring it away when they already have the Arch? Is old Empy going to light up in Cardinals colors now? CARDINALS? UGH.

St. Louis will get theirs in the end, though. In a Team Edward/Team Jacob-style schism, the city will be rent asunder by the dueling preferences of its fans:
"Put the ESB on its OWN postcard!"
"Put the Arch on top of the ESB!"
"No, put the ESB under the Arch!"
"Isn't that the same thing?"
"Whatever! We're angry, midwestern townsfolk!"

Bitterness will develop between Empy and Archie, as each wonders who is truly better loved by his home city.  ESB will consider returning home - only to discover that a new, combination PinkBerry/statue of Jay-Z and Mike Bloomberg shaking hands has been built in its old space. ESB will become despondent, sinking a good 10 or 20 stories into the damp mud of the Mississippi River. St. Louis will be blamed for the demise of a once-promising young building. New York will sell a whole mess of PinkBerry in commemorative Jay-Z cups. The world will turn black for three days and three nights, and then everyone will forget this ever happened.